She Stole My Heart...

Nothing can be better than finding that one amazing person that wants to know everything about you.  The person that loves you, not matter what, including the weird quirks that you didn't realize you had until they brought them to your attention.  While loving every little ounce of goofiness, playfulness, seriousness, and everything in between.

And in less than one full year, even less than eleven months, this wonderful, creative, supportive, caring, and sweet woman will be my wife.  Since the day we met, we knew we would continue through life side-by-side.  It is not a guarantee, it is not a promise, but it is how we see our future, together.

She stole my heart, I stole her swag.


Closing thought:  It's love.  Our love.  Plain and simple.   

 * ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Loved Always, Missed Deeply

So many emotions.  Still having a rough time dealing with the loss of a great man, even though I wasn't "really family."  I just know that I loved him like he was my own Grandpa and I felt that it was returned by him.  

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, I find music to wrap myself in.  I gravitate to music and lyrics that say exactly what I feel or the emotional attachment between myself and others.  Grieving takes many shapes, many faces, many topics, many songs.

Having not been able to attend my own Grandpa's funeral many years ago.  I no longer have my Dad in my life.  My son and I do not see each other, nor talk.  I have no extremely close relationships with any man that had previously had in my life.  Each of these factors combined  made this moment hit me ridiculously harder on many more levels than I ever expected. 

Of all the days for Papa to pass, it was September 11, and the day we had scheduled for our Engagement Portraits to be taken.  That night was a whirlwind, and it seems to not to have stopped fully.  Now with planning our wedding, there feels like a very large part will be missing. He and I both were very excited to have him say the blessing at the ceremony.  Remembering just how proud he was, and he let it be known, that she and I are getting married and bought a house together.  Breaks my heart that he's gone and won't be able to invite us to dinner, tell us the same stories for the 58th time less than 3 months, or to leave the 2 minute voicemails on my fiancee's cell.  And of course, my daughter would always ask about Papa and couldn't leave without giving him a big hug.  The list goes on, and on.   

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, "don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday"

He looks up and says,
"I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
 -Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home"

I apologize that this definitely is not a cohesive blog post.  Emotions are streaming in from every direction.  Sometimes you just need to get out how you're feeling and not let it sit inside.  I haven't been able to put into words how I've felt in the past couple of months, and I have noticed that I've distanced myself even from my future wife.  Writing is therapeutic.  Music is therapeutic.  Love never ends. 

Closing Thoughts:  Don't hide your emotions!  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Personal Thoughts

"But I'm sure that whether you decide to forgive me & continue to walk through this absolutely crazy life with me as your friend or if you decide it's best to cut ties with me so that future anger, frustration. & hurt is avoided completely... I understand & won't hold any grudges against you because you have made a great impact on my life in the short time that I've been able to call you my friend."

  
"Life is meant to be an adventure. Finding someone to share it with... can be a trip! The most important part... not holding back & having no regrets! Enjoy your adventure!!"

"The future is still unwritten.  And for me, right now, in this moment, that is my greatest comfort." 

These are all from very intimate conversations with very close friends, or people that I believed would still be in my life into t he future.  At least I still have the memories.  

(This may be one of those posts that I continue to update from time to time.) 

Closing Thoughts:  Keep it personal.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Holy Crap... Unexpected!!

I cannot say just how EXCITED I am for this very fast update!!

Ironically, the day after I originally posted "My Turn" ... I walk into the Atrium on campus and what do I see in the Student Life Fair but a PRIDE ALLIANCE booth!!  And their first meeting is going to be held this coming Friday, February 8th from 12:30 to 2pm!!  Too bad I have to be to work at 1 on Friday!  :-(  I am crossing my fingers to be able to be a VERY active member in the PRIDE ALLIANCE!!  


  

My Turn...

"If you want something done, you need to do it yourself.  If it is something that means something to you, take the reigns and run with it.  Do not let anyone tell you that it cannot be done or that it does not matter."

I believe now is a great time to decide that I am completely in charge of my life - yes, I knew this before - and get myself focused on some of my passions.  It is my turn to show the world, or little ol' Rochester, what I am made of and where my heart is in our community.  

Our LGBT Community is very visible in our area but here on campus, we no longer have a Campus Pride, our student run LGBT club.  I will, well should, only be attending this college for, at most, two more semesters, so I would like to see Campus Pride in full swing for the remainder of my time here.  

That being said, I am going to start knocking down doors and getting people rallied with me!  We, the student body, needs to have a voice and a universal place to be themselves on campus and to know that it is a "Safe Place."  Yes, I know that there are plenty of place on campus that are available as such a domain, but I would like to see a united front here again. 

I was told by a few of my buddies in another club that they have my back on this and they support me enough to stand up for Campus Pride, even though they may not fall into the LGBT community completely; having Allies is a great gift to anyone that is in "the family."

So, as I continue to persue my education, I am going to become more of an "activist," for lack of better term.  I'll keep you updated on the progress of Campus Pride!!

Closing Thoughts:  Lighting a fire within.   Lighting a fire on campus.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Temporary Removal

I know at the time that I had posted my "Label Me a Lesbian" essay, that I was rather proud of it and wanted the world to be able to better understand the differences, yet at the moment I am retracting my post for reasons that I will not completely disclose for now.  Some additions need to be made and a little more editing must happen. 

Thank you for all of your support and love. 

Closing Thoughts:  Revamping ideas.   Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Consiquences & Forgiveness

"I'm definitely learning that people walk into our lives when the time is right... but they also exit when they're supposed to.  It's a hard concept to grasp.  And one I've fought with for years and years."  ~ Mel's very own philosophy 

I guess it is time for me to stop fighting the fact that not everyone will always be there for me and I have to accept that I have to deal with some situations on my own.  I cannot always count on the people in my circle to help me heal when life knocks my feet out for underneath me or punches me in the gut.  I hate feeling alone and left to pick up my own pieces.  I know I have plenty of wonderful people that I can turn to, but there are times that they will not be able to piece me back together.

I have caused so much drama in my life over the past couple of weeks.  My head and my heart are still reeling from the whirlwind of bad choices that I have made.  And now, I find out that the man that I let into my life was a complete and utter jackass that knew exactly what he was doing by trying to control every move I was making.  In the time that I allowed him to call the shots, I started to see the people I love and care for begin to shut me out because I thought I was doing what was right by turning my back on them.  Boy was I wrong for that move.  

Now, three months later, I have moved on from that moment in my life, although I am still dealing with the consequences of my actions.  I have not spoken to that said person in over two and a half months, and I do not plan on speaking to him ever again.  There are some people that just have toxic personalities; I lived with one before and will not again allow one to be a large part of my life. 

I feel that I have found the one person in life that truly gets me and understands what I'm working through in my life.  She is absolutely amazing in so many ways that I almost cannot believe that she loves me for who I am. Knowing that she, too, has dealt with rough parts in her life, I feel more comfortable with sharing my deepest secrets and thoughts with her.   

______

Another post that was started over a year ago.  Dealing with how complicated and unruly one relationship was beginning to make a deeply romantically charged one, having to cut ties sometimes is the only way to save one's own sanity and the love of a lifetime.  

I appreciate the time that I did have with him and the changes that I made in that time.  I will not sacrifice the love and connection that I have for the woman that I have beside me.  

Closing Thoughts:  Letting go & moving on is good.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Reading List

Since I started taking my (favorite literature class thus far) Gay & Lesbian Literature class at school (and keep in mind that I am going to be 30, so "school" that I speak of is my first attempt at college since life happened between now & high school), I have started to make a reading list.  I might, one day, post my list but until I get it squared away, feel free to tell me what are your favorite LGBT genre novels, memoirs, fiction, etc.  

I am always excited to add to my ever-growing "library" of literature, sitting on my dresser, leaned against my jewelry box.  Eventually, when she and I buy a house, we will have a library for the vast amounts of books that the two of us have collected over the years, seperately and as a couple.  

Here are a few titles or authors that I have an interest in reading:

• Butch is a Noun - S. Bear Bergman
• Drag King Dreams - Leslie Feinberg
• Audre Lorde
• Are You My Mother? - Alison Bechdel
• Ellen Hopkins (possibly but not a burning interest)
• House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros
• And Tango Makes Three - Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson (may be children's lit but I do have kids!)

As you can tell, it's a short list at the moment, considering I'm sitting here trying to recall what titles I had wanted to read.  

Alright, time to jet.  Needing to get home to finish my papers (obviously, I have not accomplished them yet since I'm still a little distracted.  Hoping I have officially cleared my mind now!)

Let me mention one minor side note: my girlfriend has decided that I am "overly obsessed with my 'gayness'."  Please remind her that it's completely alright for me to be like this!!  :-)

Closing Thoughts:  Ever expanding knowledge, ROCKS!  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Updating my list! 

I have an ever expanding, almost exploding, bookshelf full of books within the LGBTQAI genre and I can't seem to stop adding more to it!

• The Illusionist - Francoise Mallet-Joris 
• I Am a Red Dress: Incantations on a Grandmother, a Mother, and a Daughter - Anna Camilleri
• Annie on My Mind - Nancy Garden
• Ash & Huntress - Malinda Lo
• The Photograph - Jane Retzig
• Tell the Wolves I'm Home - Carol Rifka Brunt

These are a few, and obviously since authors continue to publish, this list will continue to grow.  (Plus, this makes a great place for me to list them and have them saved so I don't lose the papers I write the titles on!  Sometimes I have good ideas.)

Ugh, The Lack of Focus

Why does this keep happening to me?  I have 3 very different papers to write and I cannot focus on any of them.  My mind wanders to the trillion things other than my paper topics.  

What am I doing?  I have less than 48 hours to complete all three for my classes and my mind just is not here.  

Alright, now that I have that out, sort of.  Maybe I can actually focus and write three amazing papers!  .... Back to work!!  And I forgot to mention that I have to be to work in about 43 minutes.  

I can do this!  I have to do this!


Closing thought:  Get it together, plain & simple! 

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 

My Commitment

When you meet that one person, have that intimate connection, and know they are “the one” that you never want to see walk out of your life, do yourself a favor, and let them know how you feel.  Don’t wait. 

I have been overwhelmingly blessed with this past year to have been able to spend the countless minutes, days, weeks, months with the one person that I want to spend my life with.  We both admit that we “knew” from the night that we met, that we would be in a relationship, which neither of us wanted to go through life without taking the chance of being together.  Good or bad, pass or fail, we were taking that chance.  

I have learned with her, there is just a connection; a deeper pull at the innermost part of my heart that I had not known existed before her, even through all of my past failed relationships.

At one time, early in our budding relationship, she admitted that I had “stolen [her] swag,” rendering her almost useless when other girls tried to carry a conversation with her.  Of course, I giggled, not knowing how to really react to her openness and sweet confession of her feelings.  At that moment, I knew for sure that my heart belonged with, to her.   

We may not be engaged nor married, but we have a commitment to each other that no other will or can come between, or compromise.  She is the one I want to fall asleep with always, the one I want to wake up beside, the one I want to reach each life milestone with from here on out.  “25 to life” has become my promise to her, especially since one of her co-workers cracked a joke about me being her “ball-and-chain.”

In my heart, I know she is the woman I am going to grow old with.  From her heart, she has given the assurance that she is no longer looking for someone new.   

One day, in the near-ish future, she has already let on that she will be putting a ring on my finger.  Not to be jumping the gun at all but I cannot wait to be able to show the world our commitment to each other through that sparkle on my left hand.  With or without the ring, she has let everyone know that “[I] have been spoken for since we met and nobody better try to come between us, if they know what is good for them.”  No, she’s not trying to be a jerk, not trying to be controlling, just not wanting to have to deal with people that try to split a good thing.  

She’s my protector.  She’s my best friend.  She’s my heart.  She’s my supporter.  She’s my “man.”  She has been there to remind me that I am more than the person I was in my past.  She has been my shoulder to cry on.  She’s my lover.  She is my equal.  She is the one I have spent my adult life looking for.  I am so thankful to have found the love of my life in the woman that refuses to give up on our love, even when times get rough between us. 


 Closing Thought:  Commitment is a deeper feeling than words can define.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Refocus & Redefine

"Stop letting men define who you are because right now they are treating you like a doormat." - J.D.  (August 31, 2011)

There are times that the statements that might just hurt the most if said by the wrong person, can be completely appreciated when told by the closest, most trusted friend.

I was blessed today to be able to have a long, open, honest conversation with one of my lifelong friends, J.D., whom I have always respected for her honesty.  She knows me as well as I know myself, and is always there for me when I need someone to lean on, no matter the situation.  Today, I found myself chatting with J.D. about the recent happenings that have overwhelmed my life, and that I have allowed to begin to steal my inner joy for life.  J.D. listened to what I was saying, understanding that my mind and heart were not on the same page, yet without hesitation she knew the right way to tell me that I need to refocus life and stop looking to other people to define the woman I am.

___

I have found myself, almost 5 months later, coming back to this particular post, just as I had left it... unfinished.  I find that it is meant to be incomplete, as most of my thoughts and feelings do not always have a final endpoint.  I feel that this post is best left as it is... unfinished and incomplete... because who said that every moment in life needs to find an end.

What J.D. said to me that day will forever be held in my heart.  Thank you for being such an amazing friend whenever I need one the most.  I know our friendship will never be incomplete...

Closing thought:  Be as unfinished as you need to be.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

What Life Is...

"Life is meant to be an adventure. Finding someone to share it with... can be a trip! The most important part... not holding back & having no regrets! Enjoy your adventure!!"  -M.S.N.  (September 10th, 2011)

I have finally started to accept that the best things in life, happen when you are not expecting them.  I was starting to doubt life and the goodness of God because everything in my life was completely crashing down and I had no control over any of it at the time.  It was in the time frame of about two weeks that my life went into a terrible tailspin and I just wanted out, not having a clue about how to fix any of it.  Knowing how badly I was feeling and finally acknowledging that fact that I had made some pretty amazingly wrong choices, I started to fall apart.  I was no longer the positive, peppy, and even bubbly girl that everyone around me knew.  I was hating myself and my entire life!  I wanted all of the bad to go away and not bother to be around because I felt like the biggest let-down and failure ever. Then during the tail end of these two weeks, that I started to communicate with some absolutely positive minded people.

While getting to know these people better and during the long conversations that we have had, I am learning more about who I am.  I know I have great friends that will be there for me to vent to, discuss life with, and cry to but being able to look at life through someone else's eyes, is something that I have not been able to do in a long time.  I am understanding that each and every person in the life had their own demons to deal with and just because I felt as though my life was out of my control, it was just the circumstances that were out of my control.  I needed a "jump start" to get myself to focus on what I could change and start there.

In the past few days, positive outcomes have started to show themselves to me.  I am excited about a job opportunity that has presented itself to me and am currently crossing my fingers, along with many of my closest friends are also.  I have a more positive outlook on my life and I do not feel as lost anymore.  Being able to overcome such deep feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger, etc. has put a smile on my face that has not left in days.

-- Not yet completed... --

Closing Thought:  Life is a work in progress.  Plain & simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Clarity, or Lack Thereof

"So, enjoy the bullshit, enjoy the consequences, and enjoy the fact that you now have to truly accept responsibility for your actions.  You really aren't good at making good decisions.  You're going to lose a lot in this endeavor.  And I don't mean me actually.  You say you "know" but you do you really?  Do you really understand?  I'm pretty sure you won't "know" until it's all over.  When you don't have to sift through the clouds to find the clarity you're so desperately seeking."  ~ K.R.  (August 28, 2011)

It's the lowest feeling to know that you can never take back the one decision that completely ruins one of the most perfect friendships ever.  Why did I have to choose?  What was I thinking?  How can you be so dumb, Mel?!  All for what, the "chance" to be loved, but will it ever really be love?  What's the point of feeling bad about a decision I obviously thought was correct at the time?  And now, having to actually accept the consequences, is harder than making the decision itself. 

I know he speaks the truth.  I have no reason to not trust what he has told me considering, he has not been proven wrong very often, if ever in the time that I have known him.  He has been the one person that has ever come into my life that has actually not sugarcoat anything with me.  We were always able to be open and honest about our feelings, about our secrets, about how life was going, etc.  There was just a "connection" between myself and this friend that I do not think I had felt with anyone before.  Yes, I have had many, many friends and relationships with various people throughout the years, and I hold so many of their friendships close to my heart, yet this one seemed different.  

I admit to struggling with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, and numerous other feelings since our friendship ended, especially on such terrible terms.  I brought this on myself and I have to own the fact that I am at fault here.  No one else did this to me.  I made an absolutely horrendous decision to pursue something that, clearly, was going to go no where and be nothing when all was said and done.  Obviously it has amounted to nothing because it ended pretty much before it began.  But my life has still been turned upside-down by my actions. 

I can say that there has been at least one positive that has occurred since this has been brought out into the open; another relationship has been strengthened and it feels like this may be what I have been looking for.  Being able to be honest with this other person, and myself, is a wonderful feeling because it has allowed us to be able to start over.  Having the understanding and openness with this someone whom deserves nothing by trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect is wonderful and exactly where I feel I belong.  I am so thankful that he is not holding this mistake against me and is willing to move forward with me by his side. 


Through this process, I have had to learn, the hard way, that the old cliche of "the grass is not always greener..." is so damn true.  Learning to cherish and adore what is directly in plain view is a life lesson that I need to cling to more often.  I admit that I have a hard time realizing that the best things in life are right in front of me and that I do not need to go searching elsewhere for them.  I admit that I have taken so much in my life for granted.  Having made this one stupid mistake, it seems that my eyes and heart have opened to the possibilities that life holds right here.  

Despite all of the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps that have taken place within the last two weeks or so, I know that in the coming days, weeks, months, years that my life with make sense again.  I will be loved and cherished as I have always searched for.  And that person will feel from me that they are loved and cherished in return, as they completely deserve.  And even if it is in vain, I will still hold out the hope that the friendship that I so easily shattered to pieces, might be mended someday.      


Closing thought: That moment of clarity can happen at any point, be ready.  Plain and simple.



* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Endless Chatter

Have you ever found yourself in the presence of someone that just will not stop talking?  A person that does not understand what it is to have a meaningful conversation that includes allowing all parties involved to speak?  Why is it that I find myself in this position time after time?  Do my opinions and thoughts really not matter that much to you that think you have to control every moment of time spent with me with the endless chatter that you believe to be so pertinent?  And by the time we part ways, I end up feeling almost worthless, having no true value as a friend or companion.  


I had always been taught to not interrupt a person while they are speaking and to continue to have eye contact with them, not only to show you are paying attention but also as a sign of respect.  When concentrating on what the speaker is saying, you should not only close your mouth and not say anything until they have completed their thought, but open your mind to understand what they are trying to convey.  I believe it goes deeper than only opening your mind, you need to open your heart, allowing the truth and honesty to flow freely without judgment or ridicule.  

Although, I do completely understand when the other person is rattling on and on and on, that you do end up, subconsciously, toning them out.  I am sure there have been times that it is a conscious decision to stop listening.  I will admit, I am guilty of this.  Honestly, when the topic is something that I feel is of little importance to myself or has been previously beaten to death in a discussion, I will most likely stop listening.  When I start feeling like my viewpoint has become unwelcome or unwanted, I do allow myself to become distracted and lose interest in the conversation.      

I had a short dialog with a person in my close circle about when people talk over you, feel the need to control the conversation, or when your words are blatantly ignored.  I was not surprised at all when I learned that these people have controlling tendencies. Also, the person may feel that they are never heard nor understood, or the opposite and just need to be the center of attention.  There could also be the possibility that they do not understand proper etiquette with interacting with other people.  Actually, a couple of these I have been guilty of from time to time, usually when I am super excited about the information I have to share.      

Why initiate a conversation with someone if your idea of a good discussion is one-sided?  Why would you want to be guilty of the endless chatter?  Think about how it feels when you have been the person to walk away and know you have not gotten a word in edgewise.  Not such a great feeling to be completely honest, am I correct?  Think about it next time you are spending time with someone other than yourself.  If you value your own opinion that much, talk to yourself.  If you want to be valued, and respected, by others, allow them to join in the discussion with you.     
  

Closing thought:  Shut up and allow the other person(s) to speak.  Plain and simple.
 
* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

My Lovable Randomness

Here's a little "background" on the girl I am.  I am a "facebook junkie."  I cannot flow with the same train of thought for a long period of time (as noted in my "Distractions" post).  I love catching my friends completely off guard by messaging, texting, or just saying the most random ideas or comments at completely random times.  I am then known to be "Captain Obvious," stating "RANDOM" right after the comment.  I have been told numerous times that I can only be "handled in small doses," which is hilarious to me!  I love to make people smile and laugh.

Randomly random facts about myself:

• I used to suck my thumb until I was about 14.
• I believe in God.
• Everyday, I wear something pink and/or sparklie!
• I refuse to eat any white & creamy substance, with only a couple exceptions.
• I had never been to the beach until I was 22 or 23.  First time was at nighttime with a group a girls I had just met that day, in North Carolina.
• I love wintertime.
• I once had lunch with Mr. Olan Mills, II, Chairman Emeritus of Olan Mills INC.  
• I conquered my phobia of cleaning a cat box, finally, at the age of 28.
• I love Pepsi.
• I have a passion for photography.
• I still have a crush on Jon Bon Jovi!
• I kissed a girl and it will happen again.
• I have never had my very own apartment.
• I am a domestic violence survivor!
• I HATE spiders & snakes!
• Even when my children are not with me, I tell them "Goodnight.  And have good dreams.  I love you, my little honeys," outloud.
• I am a terrible liar.  
• I still have a piece of my "blankie" from when I was way little.
• I have had a one-night stand with a man that did not remember my name in the morning.
• I have an minor obsession with facebook.
• I am always listening to music; hardly watch television.
• Unfortunately, I have been caught engaging in sexual acts by random strangers, and people close to me. 
• I can wrap presents like a pro.
• When our Ecology Club went to Boston for a Whale Watch, I went through 10 rolls of film in just three days!  I was only 13 at the time.
• I live with "open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome."
• I was not allowed to attend my Grandpa's funeral because I was on crutches at the time.
• I have put on makeup just to go to the grocery store since I was a teen.
• I own a bracelet that says "No Boyfriend, No Problem."
• I hate horror films!
• Usually my face turns bright red when I laugh extremely hard.  Sometimes, I snort.  Other times, I cannot breathe. 

Do not judge me by what you have just learned about the person I am.  These are all part of what make me unique.  I can be almost 100% sure that you have some truths about yourself that you are uncomfortable with.  Possibly the only difference between us, I accept who I am and am not ashamed any longer of my choices, especially the one I'm about to make when I click the "Publish Post" button.   
 

Closing thought: Be random, and enjoy it.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

"Fleeting Happiness"

"Life is a fluid concept
So who knows if you can ever be truly happy with life.
It’s more of a momentary or fleeting happiness." -K.R.     (August 5th, 2011)

Let me begin by saying, how true!  In the months that I have been blessed to call the author of this statement my friend, I have seen through my own eyes, and heart, just how momentary happiness can be.  I have lived more than my fair share of life's ups and downs.  I have felt how quickly, in just seconds, happiness can be whisked away and replaced with sadness, anger, doubt, betrayal, hurt, the list is endless.

As for as I'm concerned and knowing who I am, I am generally a happy-go-lucky girl, that has always tried to seek out the good in everyone while trying to bring out the happiness, smiles, and laughter in the people that I am surrounded with.  I love to laugh and be silly with my circle of friends, family, and work associates simply because I know life is far too short to not enjoy every possible moment to the fullest.  I have been told that I have a rather "infectious personality" and that "whatever you're on, we need to bottle up and sell," both statements crack me up!  

Although, I do try to show myself to the world as a girl that has "it" together, when I know that this is not the case at all.  I see the way when I am with certain people, and how it differs from when I am around others.  I "hide behind my smile" when I am nervous, feel unwelcome, or when I feel my character is being attacked.  I may outwardly look "happy" but inside I am falling apart at certain moments.  There are times that I hate being human and having emotions, especially when I know that a huge percentage of my live has been filled with joy and happiness. 

I cannot stand being blindsided in life at the times when I finally feel that happiness is within my reach.  Having the power to overcome these moments, being able to remove the hurt and bitterness before these feelings take root, is a great accomplishment and shows just how much I have grown as person within the past few months.  Finally being able to put aside my selfishness, and actually being happy for the life decisions that are made would not have happened in my past.

I am a girl that struggles with depression and has plenty of mood swings.  I have been known to hold onto regret when I know I should not because there should be no choices in life that should ever be filed under "regret" if a life lesson was taken from the experience.  It has always been a lifelong fault of mine that I give into the negative attitudes or personalities around me and let them bring me down.  For quite some time, I had learned to refocus then rise above negative and let my inner joy for life shine through.  Recently, I almost feel I am starting to lose that ability, thus making it hard to conquer the depression that has embedded itself deeply into my soul.  One day, I will find true contentment and inner peace while being able to leave the depression far behind me.

I live for the days that I am surrounded with my favorite people, even if it is only through a phone call, chat message, or facebook.  I feel lost and empty the days that I spend without them.  I love seeing the happy expressions on everyone's faces and hearing the emotion in their voices.  I cannot see my life without the people I love so much and that cherish me in return. 

Closing thought: Hold onto whatever "fleeting happiness" comes your way, it could be gone in a moment.  Plain and simple.   

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 

Distractions

I will be the first to admit that I am one of the easiest people in my world to distract, even when I am supposed to be focused on a simple, specific task.  I am not proud of this characteristic.  I am merely pointing out a flaw that I know I have as a human being in hopes of finding a way to adjust . 

Distractions come in so many different forms, ie. music, friends, phone calls or just plain boredom, and tend to beg for me to avoid what I am wanting, or needing, to be focused on at the time.  I have found myself randomly being bombarded with miscellaneous ideas, thoughts, persons, etc. that drag me off course, only to find that I have allowed my ending goal of accomplishing various tasks has been thrown to the wayside.  With this finally being admitted openly, I can also say, I have felt like a failure for not following through on certain endeavors.

Although, recently, I have yearned for someone or something to distract me from the reality that is my life.  I have begged and pleaded with myself to stop thinking and analyzing recent happenings, and just find a new focus, but finding that distraction has become harder here in the present than in the past.  The conversations that had so easily become a quick and easy way out, have now ended and almost become that of a dream.  Trying to search out a replacement or just learning to accept such a complete change, I am finding, is extremely hard when the kind of distraction that was so readily available before is no longer an option.  So many changes have taken place within the last few weeks, that my favorite distractions have been, for lack of better term, erased from my life.

I feel like I am a living, breathing oxymoron.  On one hand, I adore my distractions.  Yet, on the other, I loathe them. There is the possibly I am dissatisfied with my own self, for feeling like I need be distracted to be able to get through my days and to cope with my reality.  And I still find myself reaching out for distractions to lead me away, even when I know there are extremely important tasks that need to be tended to.  

Random thought: In the time that it has taken me to write this little bit from my heart, I have had at minimum of 7 different conversations and various other distractions making my "train of thought, jump track." 

Granted, being able to multi-task is a great quality to have and I know many people who are able to do so;  yet, I, personally, never actually claimed to be a "master multi-tasker" but I sure can fake it.  Although, being distracted from what needs to be accomplished and being able to multi-task while completing various duties or assignments, tend to be different by definition.  In my world, distractions negate progress.  Multi-tasking conquers what often is hindered by distraction, achievement of goals. 
 

Closing thought: To focus is to avoid distractions.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°