Consiquences & Forgiveness

"I'm definitely learning that people walk into our lives when the time is right... but they also exit when they're supposed to.  It's a hard concept to grasp.  And one I've fought with for years and years."  ~ Mel's very own philosophy 

I guess it is time for me to stop fighting the fact that not everyone will always be there for me and I have to accept that I have to deal with some situations on my own.  I cannot always count on the people in my circle to help me heal when life knocks my feet out for underneath me or punches me in the gut.  I hate feeling alone and left to pick up my own pieces.  I know I have plenty of wonderful people that I can turn to, but there are times that they will not be able to piece me back together.

I have caused so much drama in my life over the past couple of weeks.  My head and my heart are still reeling from the whirlwind of bad choices that I have made.  And now, I find out that the man that I let into my life was a complete and utter jackass that knew exactly what he was doing by trying to control every move I was making.  In the time that I allowed him to call the shots, I started to see the people I love and care for begin to shut me out because I thought I was doing what was right by turning my back on them.  Boy was I wrong for that move.  

Now, three months later, I have moved on from that moment in my life, although I am still dealing with the consequences of my actions.  I have not spoken to that said person in over two and a half months, and I do not plan on speaking to him ever again.  There are some people that just have toxic personalities; I lived with one before and will not again allow one to be a large part of my life. 

I feel that I have found the one person in life that truly gets me and understands what I'm working through in my life.  She is absolutely amazing in so many ways that I almost cannot believe that she loves me for who I am. Knowing that she, too, has dealt with rough parts in her life, I feel more comfortable with sharing my deepest secrets and thoughts with her.   

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Another post that was started over a year ago.  Dealing with how complicated and unruly one relationship was beginning to make a deeply romantically charged one, having to cut ties sometimes is the only way to save one's own sanity and the love of a lifetime.  

I appreciate the time that I did have with him and the changes that I made in that time.  I will not sacrifice the love and connection that I have for the woman that I have beside me.  

Closing Thoughts:  Letting go & moving on is good.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Ugh, The Lack of Focus

Why does this keep happening to me?  I have 3 very different papers to write and I cannot focus on any of them.  My mind wanders to the trillion things other than my paper topics.  

What am I doing?  I have less than 48 hours to complete all three for my classes and my mind just is not here.  

Alright, now that I have that out, sort of.  Maybe I can actually focus and write three amazing papers!  .... Back to work!!  And I forgot to mention that I have to be to work in about 43 minutes.  

I can do this!  I have to do this!


Closing thought:  Get it together, plain & simple! 

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛° 

Clarity, or Lack Thereof

"So, enjoy the bullshit, enjoy the consequences, and enjoy the fact that you now have to truly accept responsibility for your actions.  You really aren't good at making good decisions.  You're going to lose a lot in this endeavor.  And I don't mean me actually.  You say you "know" but you do you really?  Do you really understand?  I'm pretty sure you won't "know" until it's all over.  When you don't have to sift through the clouds to find the clarity you're so desperately seeking."  ~ K.R.  (August 28, 2011)

It's the lowest feeling to know that you can never take back the one decision that completely ruins one of the most perfect friendships ever.  Why did I have to choose?  What was I thinking?  How can you be so dumb, Mel?!  All for what, the "chance" to be loved, but will it ever really be love?  What's the point of feeling bad about a decision I obviously thought was correct at the time?  And now, having to actually accept the consequences, is harder than making the decision itself. 

I know he speaks the truth.  I have no reason to not trust what he has told me considering, he has not been proven wrong very often, if ever in the time that I have known him.  He has been the one person that has ever come into my life that has actually not sugarcoat anything with me.  We were always able to be open and honest about our feelings, about our secrets, about how life was going, etc.  There was just a "connection" between myself and this friend that I do not think I had felt with anyone before.  Yes, I have had many, many friends and relationships with various people throughout the years, and I hold so many of their friendships close to my heart, yet this one seemed different.  

I admit to struggling with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, and numerous other feelings since our friendship ended, especially on such terrible terms.  I brought this on myself and I have to own the fact that I am at fault here.  No one else did this to me.  I made an absolutely horrendous decision to pursue something that, clearly, was going to go no where and be nothing when all was said and done.  Obviously it has amounted to nothing because it ended pretty much before it began.  But my life has still been turned upside-down by my actions. 

I can say that there has been at least one positive that has occurred since this has been brought out into the open; another relationship has been strengthened and it feels like this may be what I have been looking for.  Being able to be honest with this other person, and myself, is a wonderful feeling because it has allowed us to be able to start over.  Having the understanding and openness with this someone whom deserves nothing by trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect is wonderful and exactly where I feel I belong.  I am so thankful that he is not holding this mistake against me and is willing to move forward with me by his side. 


Through this process, I have had to learn, the hard way, that the old cliche of "the grass is not always greener..." is so damn true.  Learning to cherish and adore what is directly in plain view is a life lesson that I need to cling to more often.  I admit that I have a hard time realizing that the best things in life are right in front of me and that I do not need to go searching elsewhere for them.  I admit that I have taken so much in my life for granted.  Having made this one stupid mistake, it seems that my eyes and heart have opened to the possibilities that life holds right here.  

Despite all of the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps that have taken place within the last two weeks or so, I know that in the coming days, weeks, months, years that my life with make sense again.  I will be loved and cherished as I have always searched for.  And that person will feel from me that they are loved and cherished in return, as they completely deserve.  And even if it is in vain, I will still hold out the hope that the friendship that I so easily shattered to pieces, might be mended someday.      


Closing thought: That moment of clarity can happen at any point, be ready.  Plain and simple.



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