Thursday, November 28, 2013

Loved Always, Missed Deeply

So many emotions.  Still having a rough time dealing with the loss of a great man, even though I wasn't "really family."  I just know that I loved him like he was my own Grandpa and I felt that it was returned by him.  

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, I find music to wrap myself in.  I gravitate to music and lyrics that say exactly what I feel or the emotional attachment between myself and others.  Grieving takes many shapes, many faces, many topics, many songs.

Having not been able to attend my own Grandpa's funeral many years ago.  I no longer have my Dad in my life.  My son and I do not see each other, nor talk.  I have no extremely close relationships with any man that had previously had in my life.  Each of these factors combined  made this moment hit me ridiculously harder on many more levels than I ever expected. 

Of all the days for Papa to pass, it was September 11, and the day we had scheduled for our Engagement Portraits to be taken.  That night was a whirlwind, and it seems to not to have stopped fully.  Now with planning our wedding, there feels like a very large part will be missing. He and I both were very excited to have him say the blessing at the ceremony.  Remembering just how proud he was, and he let it be known, that she and I are getting married and bought a house together.  Breaks my heart that he's gone and won't be able to invite us to dinner, tell us the same stories for the 58th time less than 3 months, or to leave the 2 minute voicemails on my fiancee's cell.  And of course, my daughter would always ask about Papa and couldn't leave without giving him a big hug.  The list goes on, and on.   

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, "don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday"

He looks up and says,
"I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
 -Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home"

I apologize that this definitely is not a cohesive blog post.  Emotions are streaming in from every direction.  Sometimes you just need to get out how you're feeling and not let it sit inside.  I haven't been able to put into words how I've felt in the past couple of months, and I have noticed that I've distanced myself even from my future wife.  Writing is therapeutic.  Music is therapeutic.  Love never ends. 

Closing Thoughts:  Don't hide your emotions!  Plain and simple.

 ˚ ˚˚ ˛* 。 ˛°

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