Wednesday, November 16, 2011

What Life Is...

"Life is meant to be an adventure. Finding someone to share it with... can be a trip! The most important part... not holding back & having no regrets! Enjoy your adventure!!"  -M.S.N.  (September 10th, 2011)
I have finally started to accept that the best things in life, happen when you are not expecting them.  I was starting to doubt life and the goodness of God because everything in my life was completely crashing down and I had no control over any of it at the time.  It was in the time frame of about two weeks that my life went into a terrible tailspin and I just wanted out, not having a clue about how to fix any of it.  Knowing how badly I was feeling and finally acknowledging that fact that I had made some pretty amazingly wrong choices, I started to fall apart.  I was no longer the positive, peppy, and even bubbly girl that everyone around me knew.  I was hating myself and my entire life!  I wanted all of the bad to go away and not bother to be around because I felt like the biggest let-down and failure ever. Then during the tail end of these two weeks, that I started to communicate with some absolutely positive minded people.
While getting to know these people better and during the long conversations that we have had, I am learning more about who I am.  I know I have great friends that will be there for me to vent to, discuss life with, and cry to but being able to look at life through someone else's eyes, is something that I have not been able to do in a long time.  I am understanding that each and every person in the life had their own demons to deal with and just because I felt as though my life was out of my control, it was just the circumstances that were out of my control.  I needed a "jump start" to get myself to focus on what I could change and start there.
In the past few days, positive outcomes have started to show themselves to me.  I am excited about a job opportunity that has presented itself to me and am currently crossing my fingers, along with many of my closest friends are also.  I have a more positive outlook on my life and I do not feel as lost anymore.  Being able to overcome such deep feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger, etc. has put a smile on my face that has not left in days.
-- Not yet completed... --

Closing Thought:  Life is a work in progress.  Plain & simple.
* ˚ ˚˚ ˛* 。 ˛°

Monday, August 29, 2011

Clarity, or Lack Thereof

"So, enjoy the bullshit, enjoy the consequences, and enjoy the fact that you now have to truly accept responsibility for your actions.  You really aren't good at making good decisions.  You're going to lose a lot in this endeavor.  And I don't mean me actually.  You say you "know" but you do you really?  Do you really understand?  I'm pretty sure you won't "know" until it's all over.  When you don't have to sift through the clouds to find the clarity you're so desperately seeking."  ~ K.R.  (August 28, 2011)

It's the lowest feeling to know that you can never take back the one decision that completely ruins one of the most perfect friendships ever.  Why did I have to choose?  What was I thinking?  How can you be so dumb, Mel?!  All for what, the "chance" to be loved, but will it ever really be love?  What's the point of feeling bad about a decision I obviously thought was correct at the time?  And now, having to actually accept the consequences, is harder than making the decision itself. 

I know he speaks the truth.  I have no reason to not trust what he has told me considering, he has not been proven wrong very often, if ever in the time that I have known him.  He has been the one person that has ever come into my life that has actually not sugarcoat anything with me.  We were always able to be open and honest about our feelings, about our secrets, about how life was going, etc.  There was just a "connection" between myself and this friend that I do not think I had felt with anyone before.  Yes, I have had many, many friends and relationships with various people throughout the years, and I hold so many of their friendships close to my heart, yet this one seemed different.  

I admit to struggling with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, and numerous other feelings since our friendship ended, especially on such terrible terms.  I brought this on myself and I have to own the fact that I am at fault here.  No one else did this to me.  I made an absolutely horrendous decision to pursue something that, clearly, was going to go no where and be nothing when all was said and done.  Obviously it has amounted to nothing because it ended pretty much before it began.  But my life has still been turned upside-down by my actions. 

I can say that there has been at least one positive that has occurred since this has been brought out into the open; another relationship has been strengthened and it feels like this may be what I have been looking for.  Being able to be honest with this other person, and myself, is a wonderful feeling because it has allowed us to be able to start over.  Having the understanding and openness with this someone whom deserves nothing by trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect is wonderful and exactly where I feel I belong.  I am so thankful that he is not holding this mistake against me and is willing to move forward with me by his side. 

Through this process, I have had to learn, the hard way, that the old cliche of "the grass is not always greener..." is so damn true.  Learning to cherish and adore what is directly in plain view is a life lesson that I need to cling to more often.  I admit that I have a hard time realizing that the best things in life are right in front of me and that I do not need to go searching elsewhere for them.  I admit that I have taken so much in my life for granted.  Having made this one stupid mistake, it seems that my eyes and heart have opened to the possibilities that life holds right here.  

Despite all of the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps that have taken place within the last two weeks or so, I know that in the coming days, weeks, months, years that my life with make sense again.  I will be loved and cherished as I have always searched for.  And that person will feel from me that they are loved and cherished in return, as they completely deserve.  And even if it is in vain, I will still hold out the hope that the friendship that I so easily shattered to pieces, might be mended someday.      

Closing thought: That moment of clarity can happen at any point, be ready.  Plain and simple.

* ˚ ˚˚ ˛* 。 ˛°

Monday, August 8, 2011

Endless Chatter

Have you ever found yourself in the presence of someone that just will not stop talking?  A person that does not understand what it is to have a meaningful conversation that includes allowing all parties involved to speak?  Why is it that I find myself in this position time after time?  Do my opinions and thoughts really not matter that much to you that think you have to control every moment of time spent with me with the endless chatter that you believe to be so pertinent?  And by the time we part ways, I end up feeling almost worthless, having no true value as a friend or companion.  

I had always been taught to not interrupt a person while they are speaking and to continue to have eye contact with them, not only to show you are paying attention but also as a sign of respect.  When concentrating on what the speaker is saying, you should not only close your mouth and not say anything until they have completed their thought, but open your mind to understand what they are trying to convey.  I believe it goes deeper than only opening your mind, you need to open your heart, allowing the truth and honesty to flow freely without judgment or ridicule.  

Although, I do completely understand when the other person is rattling on and on and on, that you do end up, subconsciously, toning them out.  I am sure there have been times that it is a conscious decision to stop listening.  I will admit, I am guilty of this.  Honestly, when the topic is something that I feel is of little importance to myself or has been previously beaten to death in a discussion, I will most likely stop listening.  When I start feeling like my viewpoint has become unwelcome or unwanted, I do allow myself to become distracted and lose interest in the conversation.      

I had a short dialog with a person in my close circle about when people talk over you, feel the need to control the conversation, or when your words are blatantly ignored.  I was not surprised at all when I learned that these people have controlling tendencies. Also, the person may feel that they are never heard nor understood, or the opposite and just need to be the center of attention.  There could also be the possibility that they do not understand proper etiquette with interacting with other people.  Actually, a couple of these I have been guilty of from time to time, usually when I am super excited about the information I have to share.      

Why initiate a conversation with someone if your idea of a good discussion is one-sided?  Why would you want to be guilty of the endless chatter?  Think about how it feels when you have been the person to walk away and know you have not gotten a word in edgewise.  Not such a great feeling to be completely honest, am I correct?  Think about it next time you are spending time with someone other than yourself.  If you value your own opinion that much, talk to yourself.  If you want to be valued, and respected, by others, allow them to join in the discussion with you.     

Closing thought:  Shut up and allow the other person(s) to speak.  Plain and simple.
* ˚ ˚˚ ˛* 。 ˛°

Saturday, August 6, 2011

My Lovable Randomness

Here's a little "background" on the girl I am.  I am a "facebook junkie."  I cannot flow with the same train of thought for a long period of time (as noted in my "Distractions" post).  I love catching my friends completely off guard by messaging, texting, or just saying the most random ideas or comments at completely random times.  I am then known to be "Captain Obvious," stating "RANDOM" right after the comment.  I have been told numerous times that I can only be "handled in small doses," which is hilarious to me!  I love to make people smile and laugh.

Randomly random facts about myself:
  • I used to suck my thumb until I was about 14.
  • I believe in God.
  • Everyday, I wear something pink and/or sparklie!
  • I refuse to eat any white & creamy substance, with only a couple exceptions.
  • I had never been to the beach until I was 22 or 23.  First time was at nighttime with a group a girls I had just met that day, in North Carolina.
  • I love wintertime.
  • I once had lunch with Mr. Olan Mills, II, Chairman Emeritus of Olan Mills INC.  
  • I conquered my phobia of cleaning a cat box, finally, at the age of 28.
  • I love Pepsi.
  • I have a passion for photography.
  • I still have a crush on Jon Bon Jovi!
  • I kissed a girl and it will happen again.
  • I have never had my very own apartment.
  • I am a domestic violence survivor!
  • I HATE spiders & snakes!
  • Even when my children are not with me, I tell them "Goodnight.  And have good dreams.  I love you, my little honeys," outloud.
  • I am a terrible liar.  
  • I still have a piece of my "blankie" from when I was way little.
  • I have had a one-night stand with a man that did not remember my name in the morning.
  • I have an minor obsession with facebook.
  • I am always listening to music; hardly watch television.
  • Unfortunately, I have been caught engaging in sexual acts by random strangers, and people close to me. 
  • I can wrap presents like a pro.
  • When our Ecology Club went to Boston for a Whale Watch, I went through 10 rolls of film in just three days!  I was only 13 at the time.
  • I live with "open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome."
  • I was not allowed to attend my Grandpa's funeral because I was on crutches at the time.
  • I have put on makeup just to go to the grocery store since I was a teen.
  • I own a bracelet that says "No Boyfriend, No Problem."
  • I hate horror films!
  • Usually my face turns bright red when I laugh extremely hard.  Sometimes, I snort.  Other times, I cannot breathe. 

Do not judge me by what you have just learned about the person I am.  These are all part of what make me unique.  I can be almost 100% sure that you have some truths about yourself that you are uncomfortable with.  Possibly the only difference between us, I accept who I am and am not ashamed any longer of my choices, especially the one I'm about to make when I click the "Publish Post" button.   

Closing thought: Be random, and enjoy it.  Plain and simple.

* ˚ ˚˚ ˛★* 。 ˛°

"Fleeting Happiness"

"Life is a fluid concept
So who knows if you can ever be truly happy with life.
It’s more of a momentary or fleeting happiness." -K.R.     (August 5th, 2011)
Let me begin by saying, how true!  In the months that I have been blessed to call the author of this statement my friend, I have seen through my own eyes, and heart, just how momentary happiness can be.  I have lived more than my fair share of life's ups and downs.  I have felt how quickly, in just seconds, happiness can be whisked away and replaced with sadness, anger, doubt, betrayal, hurt, the list is endless.
As for as I'm concerned and knowing who I am, I am generally a happy-go-lucky girl, that has always tried to seek out the good in everyone while trying to bring out the happiness, smiles, and laughter in the people that I am surrounded with.  I love to laugh and be silly with my circle of friends, family, and work associates simply because I know life is far too short to not enjoy every possible moment to the fullest.  I have been told that I have a rather "infectious personality" and that "whatever you're on, we need to bottle up and sell," both statements crack me up!  
Although, I do try to show myself to the world as a girl that has "it" together, when I know that this is not the case at all.  I see the way when I am with certain people, and how it differs from when I am around others.  I "hide behind my smile" when I am nervous, feel unwelcome, or when I feel my character is being attacked.  I may outwardly look "happy" but inside I am falling apart at certain moments.  There are times that I hate being human and having emotions, especially when I know that a huge percentage of my live has been filled with joy and happiness. 
I cannot stand being blindsided in life at the times when I finally feel that happiness is within my reach.  Having the power to overcome these moments, being able to remove the hurt and bitterness before these feelings take root, is a great accomplishment and shows just how much I have grown as person within the past few months.  Finally being able to put aside my selfishness, and actually being happy for the life decisions that are made would not have happened in my past.
I am a girl that struggles with depression and has plenty of mood swings.  I have been known to hold onto regret when I know I should not because there should be no choices in life that should ever be filed under "regret" if a life lesson was taken from the experience.  It has always been a lifelong fault of mine that I give into the negative attitudes or personalities around me and let them bring me down.  For quite some time, I had learned to refocus then rise above negative and let my inner joy for life shine through.  Recently, I almost feel I am starting to lose that ability, thus making it hard to conquer the depression that has embedded itself deeply into my soul.  One day, I will find true contentment and inner peace while being able to leave the depression far behind me.
I live for the days that I am surrounded with my favorite people, even if it is only through a phone call, chat message, or facebook.  I feel lost and empty the days that I spend without them.  I love seeing the happy expressions on everyone's faces and hearing the emotion in their voices.  I cannot see my life without the people I love so much and that cherish me in return. 
Closing thought: Hold onto whatever "fleeting happiness" comes your way, it could be gone in a moment.  Plain and simple.   
* ˚ ˚˚ ˛★* 。 ˛° 


I will be the first to admit that I am one of the easiest people in my world to distract, even when I am supposed to be focused on a simple, specific task.  I am not proud of this characteristic.  I am merely pointing out a flaw that I know I have as a human being in hopes of finding a way to adjust . 

Distractions come in so many different forms, ie. music, friends, phone calls or just plain boredom, and tend to beg for me to avoid what I am wanting, or needing, to be focused on at the time.  I have found myself randomly being bombarded with miscellaneous ideas, thoughts, persons, etc. that drag me off course, only to find that I have allowed my ending goal of accomplishing various tasks has been thrown to the wayside.  With this finally being admitted openly, I can also say, I have felt like a failure for not following through on certain endeavors.

Although, recently, I have yearned for someone or something to distract me from the reality that is my life.  I have begged and pleaded with myself to stop thinking and analyzing recent happenings, and just find a new focus, but finding that distraction has become harder here in the present than in the past.  The conversations that had so easily become a quick and easy way out, have now ended and almost become that of a dream.  Trying to search out a replacement or just learning to accept such a complete change, I am finding, is extremely hard when the kind of distraction that was so readily available before is no longer an option.  So many changes have taken place within the last few weeks, that my favorite distractions have been, for lack of better term, erased from my life.

I feel like I am a living, breathing oxymoron.  On one hand, I adore my distractions.  Yet, on the other, I loathe them. There is the possibly I am dissatisfied with my own self, for feeling like I need be distracted to be able to get through my days and to cope with my reality.  And I still find myself reaching out for distractions to lead me away, even when I know there are extremely important tasks that need to be tended to.  

Random thought: In the time that it has taken me to write this little bit from my heart, I have had at minimum of 7 different conversations and various other distractions making my "train of thought, jump track." 

Granted, being able to multi-task is a great quality to have and I know many people who are able to do so;  yet, I, personally, never actually claimed to be a "master multi-tasker" but I sure can fake it.  Although, being distracted from what needs to be accomplished and being able to multi-task while completing various duties or assignments, tend to be different by definition.  In my world, distractions negate progress.  Multi-tasking conquers what often is hindered by distraction, achievement of goals. 

Closing thought: To focus is to avoid distractions.  Plain and simple.

* ˚ ˚˚ ˛* 。 ˛°