She Stole My Heart...

Nothing can be better than finding that one amazing person that wants to know everything about you.  The person that loves you, not matter what, including the weird quirks that you didn't realize you had until they brought them to your attention.  While loving every little ounce of goofiness, playfulness, seriousness, and everything in between.

And in less than one full year, even less than eleven months, this wonderful, creative, supportive, caring, and sweet woman will be my wife.  Since the day we met, we knew we would continue through life side-by-side.  It is not a guarantee, it is not a promise, but it is how we see our future, together.

She stole my heart, I stole her swag.


Closing thought:  It's love.  Our love.  Plain and simple.   

 * ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

What Life Is...

"Life is meant to be an adventure. Finding someone to share it with... can be a trip! The most important part... not holding back & having no regrets! Enjoy your adventure!!"  -M.S.N.  (September 10th, 2011)

I have finally started to accept that the best things in life, happen when you are not expecting them.  I was starting to doubt life and the goodness of God because everything in my life was completely crashing down and I had no control over any of it at the time.  It was in the time frame of about two weeks that my life went into a terrible tailspin and I just wanted out, not having a clue about how to fix any of it.  Knowing how badly I was feeling and finally acknowledging that fact that I had made some pretty amazingly wrong choices, I started to fall apart.  I was no longer the positive, peppy, and even bubbly girl that everyone around me knew.  I was hating myself and my entire life!  I wanted all of the bad to go away and not bother to be around because I felt like the biggest let-down and failure ever. Then during the tail end of these two weeks, that I started to communicate with some absolutely positive minded people.

While getting to know these people better and during the long conversations that we have had, I am learning more about who I am.  I know I have great friends that will be there for me to vent to, discuss life with, and cry to but being able to look at life through someone else's eyes, is something that I have not been able to do in a long time.  I am understanding that each and every person in the life had their own demons to deal with and just because I felt as though my life was out of my control, it was just the circumstances that were out of my control.  I needed a "jump start" to get myself to focus on what I could change and start there.

In the past few days, positive outcomes have started to show themselves to me.  I am excited about a job opportunity that has presented itself to me and am currently crossing my fingers, along with many of my closest friends are also.  I have a more positive outlook on my life and I do not feel as lost anymore.  Being able to overcome such deep feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger, etc. has put a smile on my face that has not left in days.

-- Not yet completed... --

Closing Thought:  Life is a work in progress.  Plain & simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Clarity, or Lack Thereof

"So, enjoy the bullshit, enjoy the consequences, and enjoy the fact that you now have to truly accept responsibility for your actions.  You really aren't good at making good decisions.  You're going to lose a lot in this endeavor.  And I don't mean me actually.  You say you "know" but you do you really?  Do you really understand?  I'm pretty sure you won't "know" until it's all over.  When you don't have to sift through the clouds to find the clarity you're so desperately seeking."  ~ K.R.  (August 28, 2011)

It's the lowest feeling to know that you can never take back the one decision that completely ruins one of the most perfect friendships ever.  Why did I have to choose?  What was I thinking?  How can you be so dumb, Mel?!  All for what, the "chance" to be loved, but will it ever really be love?  What's the point of feeling bad about a decision I obviously thought was correct at the time?  And now, having to actually accept the consequences, is harder than making the decision itself. 

I know he speaks the truth.  I have no reason to not trust what he has told me considering, he has not been proven wrong very often, if ever in the time that I have known him.  He has been the one person that has ever come into my life that has actually not sugarcoat anything with me.  We were always able to be open and honest about our feelings, about our secrets, about how life was going, etc.  There was just a "connection" between myself and this friend that I do not think I had felt with anyone before.  Yes, I have had many, many friends and relationships with various people throughout the years, and I hold so many of their friendships close to my heart, yet this one seemed different.  

I admit to struggling with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, and numerous other feelings since our friendship ended, especially on such terrible terms.  I brought this on myself and I have to own the fact that I am at fault here.  No one else did this to me.  I made an absolutely horrendous decision to pursue something that, clearly, was going to go no where and be nothing when all was said and done.  Obviously it has amounted to nothing because it ended pretty much before it began.  But my life has still been turned upside-down by my actions. 

I can say that there has been at least one positive that has occurred since this has been brought out into the open; another relationship has been strengthened and it feels like this may be what I have been looking for.  Being able to be honest with this other person, and myself, is a wonderful feeling because it has allowed us to be able to start over.  Having the understanding and openness with this someone whom deserves nothing by trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect is wonderful and exactly where I feel I belong.  I am so thankful that he is not holding this mistake against me and is willing to move forward with me by his side. 


Through this process, I have had to learn, the hard way, that the old cliche of "the grass is not always greener..." is so damn true.  Learning to cherish and adore what is directly in plain view is a life lesson that I need to cling to more often.  I admit that I have a hard time realizing that the best things in life are right in front of me and that I do not need to go searching elsewhere for them.  I admit that I have taken so much in my life for granted.  Having made this one stupid mistake, it seems that my eyes and heart have opened to the possibilities that life holds right here.  

Despite all of the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps that have taken place within the last two weeks or so, I know that in the coming days, weeks, months, years that my life with make sense again.  I will be loved and cherished as I have always searched for.  And that person will feel from me that they are loved and cherished in return, as they completely deserve.  And even if it is in vain, I will still hold out the hope that the friendship that I so easily shattered to pieces, might be mended someday.      


Closing thought: That moment of clarity can happen at any point, be ready.  Plain and simple.



* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

"Fleeting Happiness"

"Life is a fluid concept
So who knows if you can ever be truly happy with life.
It’s more of a momentary or fleeting happiness." -K.R.     (August 5th, 2011)

Let me begin by saying, how true!  In the months that I have been blessed to call the author of this statement my friend, I have seen through my own eyes, and heart, just how momentary happiness can be.  I have lived more than my fair share of life's ups and downs.  I have felt how quickly, in just seconds, happiness can be whisked away and replaced with sadness, anger, doubt, betrayal, hurt, the list is endless.

As for as I'm concerned and knowing who I am, I am generally a happy-go-lucky girl, that has always tried to seek out the good in everyone while trying to bring out the happiness, smiles, and laughter in the people that I am surrounded with.  I love to laugh and be silly with my circle of friends, family, and work associates simply because I know life is far too short to not enjoy every possible moment to the fullest.  I have been told that I have a rather "infectious personality" and that "whatever you're on, we need to bottle up and sell," both statements crack me up!  

Although, I do try to show myself to the world as a girl that has "it" together, when I know that this is not the case at all.  I see the way when I am with certain people, and how it differs from when I am around others.  I "hide behind my smile" when I am nervous, feel unwelcome, or when I feel my character is being attacked.  I may outwardly look "happy" but inside I am falling apart at certain moments.  There are times that I hate being human and having emotions, especially when I know that a huge percentage of my live has been filled with joy and happiness. 

I cannot stand being blindsided in life at the times when I finally feel that happiness is within my reach.  Having the power to overcome these moments, being able to remove the hurt and bitterness before these feelings take root, is a great accomplishment and shows just how much I have grown as person within the past few months.  Finally being able to put aside my selfishness, and actually being happy for the life decisions that are made would not have happened in my past.

I am a girl that struggles with depression and has plenty of mood swings.  I have been known to hold onto regret when I know I should not because there should be no choices in life that should ever be filed under "regret" if a life lesson was taken from the experience.  It has always been a lifelong fault of mine that I give into the negative attitudes or personalities around me and let them bring me down.  For quite some time, I had learned to refocus then rise above negative and let my inner joy for life shine through.  Recently, I almost feel I am starting to lose that ability, thus making it hard to conquer the depression that has embedded itself deeply into my soul.  One day, I will find true contentment and inner peace while being able to leave the depression far behind me.

I live for the days that I am surrounded with my favorite people, even if it is only through a phone call, chat message, or facebook.  I feel lost and empty the days that I spend without them.  I love seeing the happy expressions on everyone's faces and hearing the emotion in their voices.  I cannot see my life without the people I love so much and that cherish me in return. 

Closing thought: Hold onto whatever "fleeting happiness" comes your way, it could be gone in a moment.  Plain and simple.   

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°