Refocus & Redefine

"Stop letting men define who you are because right now they are treating you like a doormat." - J.D.  (August 31, 2011)

There are times that the statements that might just hurt the most if said by the wrong person, can be completely appreciated when told by the closest, most trusted friend.

I was blessed today to be able to have a long, open, honest conversation with one of my lifelong friends, J.D., whom I have always respected for her honesty.  She knows me as well as I know myself, and is always there for me when I need someone to lean on, no matter the situation.  Today, I found myself chatting with J.D. about the recent happenings that have overwhelmed my life, and that I have allowed to begin to steal my inner joy for life.  J.D. listened to what I was saying, understanding that my mind and heart were not on the same page, yet without hesitation she knew the right way to tell me that I need to refocus life and stop looking to other people to define the woman I am.

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I have found myself, almost 5 months later, coming back to this particular post, just as I had left it... unfinished.  I find that it is meant to be incomplete, as most of my thoughts and feelings do not always have a final endpoint.  I feel that this post is best left as it is... unfinished and incomplete... because who said that every moment in life needs to find an end.

What J.D. said to me that day will forever be held in my heart.  Thank you for being such an amazing friend whenever I need one the most.  I know our friendship will never be incomplete...

Closing thought:  Be as unfinished as you need to be.  Plain and simple.

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Clarity, or Lack Thereof

"So, enjoy the bullshit, enjoy the consequences, and enjoy the fact that you now have to truly accept responsibility for your actions.  You really aren't good at making good decisions.  You're going to lose a lot in this endeavor.  And I don't mean me actually.  You say you "know" but you do you really?  Do you really understand?  I'm pretty sure you won't "know" until it's all over.  When you don't have to sift through the clouds to find the clarity you're so desperately seeking."  ~ K.R.  (August 28, 2011)

It's the lowest feeling to know that you can never take back the one decision that completely ruins one of the most perfect friendships ever.  Why did I have to choose?  What was I thinking?  How can you be so dumb, Mel?!  All for what, the "chance" to be loved, but will it ever really be love?  What's the point of feeling bad about a decision I obviously thought was correct at the time?  And now, having to actually accept the consequences, is harder than making the decision itself. 

I know he speaks the truth.  I have no reason to not trust what he has told me considering, he has not been proven wrong very often, if ever in the time that I have known him.  He has been the one person that has ever come into my life that has actually not sugarcoat anything with me.  We were always able to be open and honest about our feelings, about our secrets, about how life was going, etc.  There was just a "connection" between myself and this friend that I do not think I had felt with anyone before.  Yes, I have had many, many friends and relationships with various people throughout the years, and I hold so many of their friendships close to my heart, yet this one seemed different.  

I admit to struggling with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, and numerous other feelings since our friendship ended, especially on such terrible terms.  I brought this on myself and I have to own the fact that I am at fault here.  No one else did this to me.  I made an absolutely horrendous decision to pursue something that, clearly, was going to go no where and be nothing when all was said and done.  Obviously it has amounted to nothing because it ended pretty much before it began.  But my life has still been turned upside-down by my actions. 

I can say that there has been at least one positive that has occurred since this has been brought out into the open; another relationship has been strengthened and it feels like this may be what I have been looking for.  Being able to be honest with this other person, and myself, is a wonderful feeling because it has allowed us to be able to start over.  Having the understanding and openness with this someone whom deserves nothing by trust, honesty, appreciation, and respect is wonderful and exactly where I feel I belong.  I am so thankful that he is not holding this mistake against me and is willing to move forward with me by his side. 


Through this process, I have had to learn, the hard way, that the old cliche of "the grass is not always greener..." is so damn true.  Learning to cherish and adore what is directly in plain view is a life lesson that I need to cling to more often.  I admit that I have a hard time realizing that the best things in life are right in front of me and that I do not need to go searching elsewhere for them.  I admit that I have taken so much in my life for granted.  Having made this one stupid mistake, it seems that my eyes and heart have opened to the possibilities that life holds right here.  

Despite all of the mishaps, mistakes, and missteps that have taken place within the last two weeks or so, I know that in the coming days, weeks, months, years that my life with make sense again.  I will be loved and cherished as I have always searched for.  And that person will feel from me that they are loved and cherished in return, as they completely deserve.  And even if it is in vain, I will still hold out the hope that the friendship that I so easily shattered to pieces, might be mended someday.      


Closing thought: That moment of clarity can happen at any point, be ready.  Plain and simple.



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Endless Chatter

Have you ever found yourself in the presence of someone that just will not stop talking?  A person that does not understand what it is to have a meaningful conversation that includes allowing all parties involved to speak?  Why is it that I find myself in this position time after time?  Do my opinions and thoughts really not matter that much to you that think you have to control every moment of time spent with me with the endless chatter that you believe to be so pertinent?  And by the time we part ways, I end up feeling almost worthless, having no true value as a friend or companion.  


I had always been taught to not interrupt a person while they are speaking and to continue to have eye contact with them, not only to show you are paying attention but also as a sign of respect.  When concentrating on what the speaker is saying, you should not only close your mouth and not say anything until they have completed their thought, but open your mind to understand what they are trying to convey.  I believe it goes deeper than only opening your mind, you need to open your heart, allowing the truth and honesty to flow freely without judgment or ridicule.  

Although, I do completely understand when the other person is rattling on and on and on, that you do end up, subconsciously, toning them out.  I am sure there have been times that it is a conscious decision to stop listening.  I will admit, I am guilty of this.  Honestly, when the topic is something that I feel is of little importance to myself or has been previously beaten to death in a discussion, I will most likely stop listening.  When I start feeling like my viewpoint has become unwelcome or unwanted, I do allow myself to become distracted and lose interest in the conversation.      

I had a short dialog with a person in my close circle about when people talk over you, feel the need to control the conversation, or when your words are blatantly ignored.  I was not surprised at all when I learned that these people have controlling tendencies. Also, the person may feel that they are never heard nor understood, or the opposite and just need to be the center of attention.  There could also be the possibility that they do not understand proper etiquette with interacting with other people.  Actually, a couple of these I have been guilty of from time to time, usually when I am super excited about the information I have to share.      

Why initiate a conversation with someone if your idea of a good discussion is one-sided?  Why would you want to be guilty of the endless chatter?  Think about how it feels when you have been the person to walk away and know you have not gotten a word in edgewise.  Not such a great feeling to be completely honest, am I correct?  Think about it next time you are spending time with someone other than yourself.  If you value your own opinion that much, talk to yourself.  If you want to be valued, and respected, by others, allow them to join in the discussion with you.     
  

Closing thought:  Shut up and allow the other person(s) to speak.  Plain and simple.
 
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