Loved Always, Missed Deeply

So many emotions.  Still having a rough time dealing with the loss of a great man, even though I wasn't "really family."  I just know that I loved him like he was my own Grandpa and I felt that it was returned by him.  

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, I find music to wrap myself in.  I gravitate to music and lyrics that say exactly what I feel or the emotional attachment between myself and others.  Grieving takes many shapes, many faces, many topics, many songs.

Having not been able to attend my own Grandpa's funeral many years ago.  I no longer have my Dad in my life.  My son and I do not see each other, nor talk.  I have no extremely close relationships with any man that had previously had in my life.  Each of these factors combined  made this moment hit me ridiculously harder on many more levels than I ever expected. 

Of all the days for Papa to pass, it was September 11, and the day we had scheduled for our Engagement Portraits to be taken.  That night was a whirlwind, and it seems to not to have stopped fully.  Now with planning our wedding, there feels like a very large part will be missing. He and I both were very excited to have him say the blessing at the ceremony.  Remembering just how proud he was, and he let it be known, that she and I are getting married and bought a house together.  Breaks my heart that he's gone and won't be able to invite us to dinner, tell us the same stories for the 58th time less than 3 months, or to leave the 2 minute voicemails on my fiancee's cell.  And of course, my daughter would always ask about Papa and couldn't leave without giving him a big hug.  The list goes on, and on.   

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, "don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday"

He looks up and says,
"I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
 -Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home"

I apologize that this definitely is not a cohesive blog post.  Emotions are streaming in from every direction.  Sometimes you just need to get out how you're feeling and not let it sit inside.  I haven't been able to put into words how I've felt in the past couple of months, and I have noticed that I've distanced myself even from my future wife.  Writing is therapeutic.  Music is therapeutic.  Love never ends. 

Closing Thoughts:  Don't hide your emotions!  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Personal Thoughts

"But I'm sure that whether you decide to forgive me & continue to walk through this absolutely crazy life with me as your friend or if you decide it's best to cut ties with me so that future anger, frustration. & hurt is avoided completely... I understand & won't hold any grudges against you because you have made a great impact on my life in the short time that I've been able to call you my friend."

  
"Life is meant to be an adventure. Finding someone to share it with... can be a trip! The most important part... not holding back & having no regrets! Enjoy your adventure!!"

"The future is still unwritten.  And for me, right now, in this moment, that is my greatest comfort." 

These are all from very intimate conversations with very close friends, or people that I believed would still be in my life into t he future.  At least I still have the memories.  

(This may be one of those posts that I continue to update from time to time.) 

Closing Thoughts:  Keep it personal.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Holy Crap... Unexpected!!

I cannot say just how EXCITED I am for this very fast update!!

Ironically, the day after I originally posted "My Turn" ... I walk into the Atrium on campus and what do I see in the Student Life Fair but a PRIDE ALLIANCE booth!!  And their first meeting is going to be held this coming Friday, February 8th from 12:30 to 2pm!!  Too bad I have to be to work at 1 on Friday!  :-(  I am crossing my fingers to be able to be a VERY active member in the PRIDE ALLIANCE!!  


  

My Turn...

"If you want something done, you need to do it yourself.  If it is something that means something to you, take the reigns and run with it.  Do not let anyone tell you that it cannot be done or that it does not matter."

I believe now is a great time to decide that I am completely in charge of my life - yes, I knew this before - and get myself focused on some of my passions.  It is my turn to show the world, or little ol' Rochester, what I am made of and where my heart is in our community.  

Our LGBT Community is very visible in our area but here on campus, we no longer have a Campus Pride, our student run LGBT club.  I will, well should, only be attending this college for, at most, two more semesters, so I would like to see Campus Pride in full swing for the remainder of my time here.  

That being said, I am going to start knocking down doors and getting people rallied with me!  We, the student body, needs to have a voice and a universal place to be themselves on campus and to know that it is a "Safe Place."  Yes, I know that there are plenty of place on campus that are available as such a domain, but I would like to see a united front here again. 

I was told by a few of my buddies in another club that they have my back on this and they support me enough to stand up for Campus Pride, even though they may not fall into the LGBT community completely; having Allies is a great gift to anyone that is in "the family."

So, as I continue to persue my education, I am going to become more of an "activist," for lack of better term.  I'll keep you updated on the progress of Campus Pride!!

Closing Thoughts:  Lighting a fire within.   Lighting a fire on campus.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Temporary Removal

I know at the time that I had posted my "Label Me a Lesbian" essay, that I was rather proud of it and wanted the world to be able to better understand the differences, yet at the moment I am retracting my post for reasons that I will not completely disclose for now.  Some additions need to be made and a little more editing must happen. 

Thank you for all of your support and love. 

Closing Thoughts:  Revamping ideas.   Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Consiquences & Forgiveness

"I'm definitely learning that people walk into our lives when the time is right... but they also exit when they're supposed to.  It's a hard concept to grasp.  And one I've fought with for years and years."  ~ Mel's very own philosophy 

I guess it is time for me to stop fighting the fact that not everyone will always be there for me and I have to accept that I have to deal with some situations on my own.  I cannot always count on the people in my circle to help me heal when life knocks my feet out for underneath me or punches me in the gut.  I hate feeling alone and left to pick up my own pieces.  I know I have plenty of wonderful people that I can turn to, but there are times that they will not be able to piece me back together.

I have caused so much drama in my life over the past couple of weeks.  My head and my heart are still reeling from the whirlwind of bad choices that I have made.  And now, I find out that the man that I let into my life was a complete and utter jackass that knew exactly what he was doing by trying to control every move I was making.  In the time that I allowed him to call the shots, I started to see the people I love and care for begin to shut me out because I thought I was doing what was right by turning my back on them.  Boy was I wrong for that move.  

Now, three months later, I have moved on from that moment in my life, although I am still dealing with the consequences of my actions.  I have not spoken to that said person in over two and a half months, and I do not plan on speaking to him ever again.  There are some people that just have toxic personalities; I lived with one before and will not again allow one to be a large part of my life. 

I feel that I have found the one person in life that truly gets me and understands what I'm working through in my life.  She is absolutely amazing in so many ways that I almost cannot believe that she loves me for who I am. Knowing that she, too, has dealt with rough parts in her life, I feel more comfortable with sharing my deepest secrets and thoughts with her.   

______

Another post that was started over a year ago.  Dealing with how complicated and unruly one relationship was beginning to make a deeply romantically charged one, having to cut ties sometimes is the only way to save one's own sanity and the love of a lifetime.  

I appreciate the time that I did have with him and the changes that I made in that time.  I will not sacrifice the love and connection that I have for the woman that I have beside me.  

Closing Thoughts:  Letting go & moving on is good.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°