Consiquences & Forgiveness

"I'm definitely learning that people walk into our lives when the time is right... but they also exit when they're supposed to.  It's a hard concept to grasp.  And one I've fought with for years and years."  ~ Mel's very own philosophy 

I guess it is time for me to stop fighting the fact that not everyone will always be there for me and I have to accept that I have to deal with some situations on my own.  I cannot always count on the people in my circle to help me heal when life knocks my feet out for underneath me or punches me in the gut.  I hate feeling alone and left to pick up my own pieces.  I know I have plenty of wonderful people that I can turn to, but there are times that they will not be able to piece me back together.

I have caused so much drama in my life over the past couple of weeks.  My head and my heart are still reeling from the whirlwind of bad choices that I have made.  And now, I find out that the man that I let into my life was a complete and utter jackass that knew exactly what he was doing by trying to control every move I was making.  In the time that I allowed him to call the shots, I started to see the people I love and care for begin to shut me out because I thought I was doing what was right by turning my back on them.  Boy was I wrong for that move.  

Now, three months later, I have moved on from that moment in my life, although I am still dealing with the consequences of my actions.  I have not spoken to that said person in over two and a half months, and I do not plan on speaking to him ever again.  There are some people that just have toxic personalities; I lived with one before and will not again allow one to be a large part of my life. 

I feel that I have found the one person in life that truly gets me and understands what I'm working through in my life.  She is absolutely amazing in so many ways that I almost cannot believe that she loves me for who I am. Knowing that she, too, has dealt with rough parts in her life, I feel more comfortable with sharing my deepest secrets and thoughts with her.   

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Another post that was started over a year ago.  Dealing with how complicated and unruly one relationship was beginning to make a deeply romantically charged one, having to cut ties sometimes is the only way to save one's own sanity and the love of a lifetime.  

I appreciate the time that I did have with him and the changes that I made in that time.  I will not sacrifice the love and connection that I have for the woman that I have beside me.  

Closing Thoughts:  Letting go & moving on is good.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

Distractions

I will be the first to admit that I am one of the easiest people in my world to distract, even when I am supposed to be focused on a simple, specific task.  I am not proud of this characteristic.  I am merely pointing out a flaw that I know I have as a human being in hopes of finding a way to adjust . 

Distractions come in so many different forms, ie. music, friends, phone calls or just plain boredom, and tend to beg for me to avoid what I am wanting, or needing, to be focused on at the time.  I have found myself randomly being bombarded with miscellaneous ideas, thoughts, persons, etc. that drag me off course, only to find that I have allowed my ending goal of accomplishing various tasks has been thrown to the wayside.  With this finally being admitted openly, I can also say, I have felt like a failure for not following through on certain endeavors.

Although, recently, I have yearned for someone or something to distract me from the reality that is my life.  I have begged and pleaded with myself to stop thinking and analyzing recent happenings, and just find a new focus, but finding that distraction has become harder here in the present than in the past.  The conversations that had so easily become a quick and easy way out, have now ended and almost become that of a dream.  Trying to search out a replacement or just learning to accept such a complete change, I am finding, is extremely hard when the kind of distraction that was so readily available before is no longer an option.  So many changes have taken place within the last few weeks, that my favorite distractions have been, for lack of better term, erased from my life.

I feel like I am a living, breathing oxymoron.  On one hand, I adore my distractions.  Yet, on the other, I loathe them. There is the possibly I am dissatisfied with my own self, for feeling like I need be distracted to be able to get through my days and to cope with my reality.  And I still find myself reaching out for distractions to lead me away, even when I know there are extremely important tasks that need to be tended to.  

Random thought: In the time that it has taken me to write this little bit from my heart, I have had at minimum of 7 different conversations and various other distractions making my "train of thought, jump track." 

Granted, being able to multi-task is a great quality to have and I know many people who are able to do so;  yet, I, personally, never actually claimed to be a "master multi-tasker" but I sure can fake it.  Although, being distracted from what needs to be accomplished and being able to multi-task while completing various duties or assignments, tend to be different by definition.  In my world, distractions negate progress.  Multi-tasking conquers what often is hindered by distraction, achievement of goals. 
 

Closing thought: To focus is to avoid distractions.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°