Loved Always, Missed Deeply

So many emotions.  Still having a rough time dealing with the loss of a great man, even though I wasn't "really family."  I just know that I loved him like he was my own Grandpa and I felt that it was returned by him.  

Everyone copes with loss in their own way, I find music to wrap myself in.  I gravitate to music and lyrics that say exactly what I feel or the emotional attachment between myself and others.  Grieving takes many shapes, many faces, many topics, many songs.

Having not been able to attend my own Grandpa's funeral many years ago.  I no longer have my Dad in my life.  My son and I do not see each other, nor talk.  I have no extremely close relationships with any man that had previously had in my life.  Each of these factors combined  made this moment hit me ridiculously harder on many more levels than I ever expected. 

Of all the days for Papa to pass, it was September 11, and the day we had scheduled for our Engagement Portraits to be taken.  That night was a whirlwind, and it seems to not to have stopped fully.  Now with planning our wedding, there feels like a very large part will be missing. He and I both were very excited to have him say the blessing at the ceremony.  Remembering just how proud he was, and he let it be known, that she and I are getting married and bought a house together.  Breaks my heart that he's gone and won't be able to invite us to dinner, tell us the same stories for the 58th time less than 3 months, or to leave the 2 minute voicemails on my fiancee's cell.  And of course, my daughter would always ask about Papa and couldn't leave without giving him a big hug.  The list goes on, and on.   

Old man, hospital bed
The room is filled with people he loves
And he whispers, "don't cry for me,
I'll see you all someday"

He looks up and says,
"I can see God's face"

This is my temporary home
It's not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I'm passing through
This was just a stop on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This was my temporary home
 -Carrie Underwood, "Temporary Home"

I apologize that this definitely is not a cohesive blog post.  Emotions are streaming in from every direction.  Sometimes you just need to get out how you're feeling and not let it sit inside.  I haven't been able to put into words how I've felt in the past couple of months, and I have noticed that I've distanced myself even from my future wife.  Writing is therapeutic.  Music is therapeutic.  Love never ends. 

Closing Thoughts:  Don't hide your emotions!  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°

My Lovable Randomness

Here's a little "background" on the girl I am.  I am a "facebook junkie."  I cannot flow with the same train of thought for a long period of time (as noted in my "Distractions" post).  I love catching my friends completely off guard by messaging, texting, or just saying the most random ideas or comments at completely random times.  I am then known to be "Captain Obvious," stating "RANDOM" right after the comment.  I have been told numerous times that I can only be "handled in small doses," which is hilarious to me!  I love to make people smile and laugh.

Randomly random facts about myself:

• I used to suck my thumb until I was about 14.
• I believe in God.
• Everyday, I wear something pink and/or sparklie!
• I refuse to eat any white & creamy substance, with only a couple exceptions.
• I had never been to the beach until I was 22 or 23.  First time was at nighttime with a group a girls I had just met that day, in North Carolina.
• I love wintertime.
• I once had lunch with Mr. Olan Mills, II, Chairman Emeritus of Olan Mills INC.  
• I conquered my phobia of cleaning a cat box, finally, at the age of 28.
• I love Pepsi.
• I have a passion for photography.
• I still have a crush on Jon Bon Jovi!
• I kissed a girl and it will happen again.
• I have never had my very own apartment.
• I am a domestic violence survivor!
• I HATE spiders & snakes!
• Even when my children are not with me, I tell them "Goodnight.  And have good dreams.  I love you, my little honeys," outloud.
• I am a terrible liar.  
• I still have a piece of my "blankie" from when I was way little.
• I have had a one-night stand with a man that did not remember my name in the morning.
• I have an minor obsession with facebook.
• I am always listening to music; hardly watch television.
• Unfortunately, I have been caught engaging in sexual acts by random strangers, and people close to me. 
• I can wrap presents like a pro.
• When our Ecology Club went to Boston for a Whale Watch, I went through 10 rolls of film in just three days!  I was only 13 at the time.
• I live with "open-mouth-insert-foot syndrome."
• I was not allowed to attend my Grandpa's funeral because I was on crutches at the time.
• I have put on makeup just to go to the grocery store since I was a teen.
• I own a bracelet that says "No Boyfriend, No Problem."
• I hate horror films!
• Usually my face turns bright red when I laugh extremely hard.  Sometimes, I snort.  Other times, I cannot breathe. 

Do not judge me by what you have just learned about the person I am.  These are all part of what make me unique.  I can be almost 100% sure that you have some truths about yourself that you are uncomfortable with.  Possibly the only difference between us, I accept who I am and am not ashamed any longer of my choices, especially the one I'm about to make when I click the "Publish Post" button.   
 

Closing thought: Be random, and enjoy it.  Plain and simple.

* ♥ ˚ ˚✰˚ ˛★* 。 ღ˛°